friendship grief

grief again? i was... surprised with finding her drawings... maybe i didn't live through this break-up fully. and we weren't even friends. this is a very sad feeling. not like sharp and unbearable pain from the beginning, but still... i should just, dunno, maybe to write a "letter" to her too? not sending. just. saying things. i still can contact her, but i don't think it's a good idea.

i... i think i miss her and our interactions. i miss it.

phantom pain

fucking loosing it.

i can't even share about my dysphoria without making things "obvious" now, huh? i hate hate hate all this. folks casually call me "AFAB" or "AMAB" even in trans spaces, because they assume i am one of it. what the fuck. like, what the fuck?

recently i just can't look at myself in a mirror, AGAIN. i'm gonna throw up from how bad my dysphoria is. sometimes not looking at myself helps, not talking helps. but sometimes... it's like i'm painfully aware. and i just can't shake it off. like a phantom limbs. sometimes it's literally painful, like a headache.

trying not to think how i hate the fact that there's no "androgynous" HRT. that i need mix and balance it all myself. it makes me feel lost, isolated, alone, helpless. i just want to be on "my" HRT, like trans men and trans women.

gods, i didn't even feel anything after my surgery. not because i didn't like the result, but because i felt so exhausted: i had to prove to doctors that i need it, wait and pay money just to be in my body. i felt tired, even if finally closer to myself. while cis people just get it at their puberty, i waited till my 19 to start my first HRT, and till 24 to get surgery.

i feel grief. grief for my body i wasn't born with, but i had to. for the life in third role, which doesn't even exist. for my normal puberty without suicidal ideation and self-harm because of dysphoria.

i just... i will smoke and watch something... because it's unbearable.